And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
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You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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