everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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