I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Actions speak louder than pants.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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