Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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