If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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