that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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