jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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