On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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