I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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