There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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