so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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