I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
