I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
