I just saw a hot homeless man
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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