I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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