happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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