my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Randomize
