Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
