I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
