May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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