all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
