Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
