im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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