Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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