good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dignity is for republicans.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
