my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
