how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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