Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
