some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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