you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
