Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
