can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
