I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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