They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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