Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
