I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
