You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
