Moan for me like Helen Keller
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
