EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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