We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
