just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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