Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
whose ass print is on the piano?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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