Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
