she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
