I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
