It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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