Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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