I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
