She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
