i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
