I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
