Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
