so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
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You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
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Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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