I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
