he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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