He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
