you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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