pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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